


Until you feel your lungs bleeding

by CirrusGrey



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Emotional Hurt No Comfort, Episode Related, Guilt, M/M, Self-Recrimination, Short, episode 194 spoilers, rating is for swears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-12 04:48:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29379462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CirrusGrey/pseuds/CirrusGrey
Summary: SPOILERS FOR MAG 194!!! (Angst version)It's a long way between Vauxhall and Hill Top Road. Jon does not know if his legs can carry him that far.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 12
Kudos: 84





	Until you feel your lungs bleeding

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from [“Run”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g5I-ttgLKaU) by Hozier
> 
> _Rare is this love, keep it covered_   
>  _I need you to run to me, run to me, lover_   
>  _Run until you feel your lungs bleeding_

_ Your fault your fault your fault- _

The words echo through Jon's head with the rhythm of his feet on the pavement, the pounding of his heart in his chest and the rattling air in his lungs.

_ He's gone it's your fault he's gone it's your fault he's _ gone-

There had been no sign of a struggle. No indication that Martin had been taken against his will.

_ You drove him to her you drove him to her you did this it's your fault- _

If he hadn't been such an ass - if he'd just listened to Martin and gone straight to the tunnels instead of storming off in a huff...

_ Your fault your fault your fault. _

It's a long way between Vauxhall and Hill Top Road. Jon does not know if his legs can carry him that far. He's already been running for far longer than should be physically possible, though, so he pushes aside the fear that his body will give out on him and keeps going.

Georgie and Melanie are not with him. He'd left the tunnels in a panic as soon as he realized where Annabelle was taking Martin, long before Georgie had a chance to return, and Melanie had stayed behind to wait for her. It was a smart move, on their part, sticking together like that.

Like he should have stuck with Martin.

God, he should have just listened to Martin.

It occurs to him that he is once again not listening to Martin, doing what he has always criticized Jon for: charging blindly into danger, no idea what he is facing and no plan for how to deal with it.

Well, if Melanie is right and Martin left willingly, he can hardly blame Jon for this one; he knows him well enough to know how he would react.

And if he was taken against his will, he's in no position to blame Jon for freaking out, either. Might not ever get the chance to-

_ No. _ Don't think that.

Jon's heart seizes in his chest, the breath catching in his lungs, and he thinks it's highly possible that he does not need to breathe anymore because it doesn't slow his pace at all.

Martin had been near tears on the steps of the Panopticon, standing his ground even as it was obvious that all he wanted was to fold in on himself and cry. Jon knows he shouldn't have pushed it, shouldn't have insisted that giving himself to the Eye was a viable plan until he'd taken the time to think about it on his own. It wasn't a futile attempt at self-sacrifice, he  _ knows  _ it wasn't, nor was it surrendering to the lure of power. He just wanted to  _ help. _ To do what he could to make the world better, for Martin. For  _ everyone, _ of course, but for Martin most of all.

But of course Martin couldn't see that. How could he, when Jon hadn't explained? The accusation echoes around his head, the way Martin's voice had wavered on the words.  _ Breaking his promise. _

_ Never, _ he wants to say now, with the clarity of hindsight.  _ Never, Martin, I'd never leave you unless it was truly the only option we had left. _

He will say it. He  _ will. _ Come hell or high water, whether Martin left by choice or by force, Jon will find him again and he will apologize. Tell him that he was right, that it was a stupid idea and Jon should have listened, fall to his knees and beg for forgiveness, if that's what it takes. This will  _ not  _ be their end.

The thought is insidious, impossible to avoid. If Jon fails- if Annabelle does something to Martin-

_ The world  _ **_doesn’t_ ** _ care what you accept. _

How could he have said that to him? How could Martin have interpreted it as anything other than  _ Jon  _ saying he doesn't care? If he never gets the chance to take it back... he does not think he can live with himself if the last thing he ever said to Martin was taken as a dismissal.

_ He has a plan.  _ Jon tries to ground himself with the thought. Martin  _ always  _ has a plan, he wouldn't leave now without one. He has a plan, so he has a modicum of safety. Of course, if it's one of Martin's plans, it's probably some self-sacrificial bullshit devised in order to-

_ In order to save me from my  _ own  _ self-sacrificial bullshit, _ Jon thinks viciously, and hates himself even more.

How could he have been so  _ stupid  _ as to leave Martin alone? He'd promised to protect him, to not let anything in this world touch him, and then he'd gone and gotten complacent and the Web had swooped in.

He thinks about books and doors and a boy whose name he can't remember.

_ Not again, _ he prays.  _ Not again. _

He puts his head down, and keeps running.


End file.
